4_9_25
Add to the aforementioned list: looking at beetles, thunderstorms. Talking to people about kink, conversations about labor, Jeff Vandermeer's Southern Reach Trilogy. There is so much on my mind and i feel heavy. It'll pass, i just need to talk it all out. Iron like wrinkles.3_29_25
Special thanks to Ghost Bird of books Authority and Acceptance for helping me realize i've just become a different person, i've got no choice. I have to admit it and get along. I've been disassociating or otherwise so intensely "gone" from myself and life that i can no longer rely on what i used to know of myself, hobbies and values and all. I've been relying on everything that existed of me before, getting distressed when i can't match or recall it. I've always welcomed change in myself, took on embracing flux as a virtue in high school, but those changes were never like this. Back then, i was still that self, and i could rely on it as other elements ebbed. I've been cut off from so much, much more than ever, and for such a long time... it's hard to wrap my head around needing to re-introduce myself to myself again, to hold my own hand like one would a child as i find interests, hobbies, anything. I've written a list of things i know about myself as i am now, no reguritation like i've been doing this whole time, no filling in hobbies of the past that i haven't touched, or can't, in ages. The top of the list says "I've been really into the color indigo"3_11_25
Partner and i wish we hadn't found Our Names so early so we could change them in true nonbinary transgender fashion at every major change. But we are named what we are named and those are Our Names.Also, yesterday was a full-day spiral and breakdown. I'm doing much better today. Got diagnosed with ptsd and i'm going to a gay club later for trans tuesday.
1_22_25
I'm on two antibioitics. I'm going to a labor organizers' dinner tonight after discussing avaliability for a labor research class curriculum. Not back in school for another year or two, but i'll do this. Money is so tight and i feel like a wreck when i spend it. Been stressed. I am cleaning a bedsheet i'll turn into a curtain. Saw Judy last night and we made pasta together.1_13_25
2025. Anxious, but my room is clean and i got flowers for two jars (one held thai tea, the other cranberry juice) and i don't know, i have time to navigate things. I live in fear a lot and i wish i didn't. This weather keeps me drowsy. I am worried about being seen, kind of. I'm in another state where i want total absolution of identity, of being perceived. I think i deserve to be, but how i look is not allowed to "be", it needs disection. I don't know. I won't be running away, though.12_25_24
Quite a Wednesday. Thinking, though, my favorite kinds of sex so far have been sex on acid and sex while wrestling and sex with complete resignation of control, often via bondage but just as often via force. Also, strange of me i think is that using my mouth on someone is significantly more intimate a step than, say, being penetrated. I don't really feel comfortable kissing/being kissed anywhere until i've developed trust with them. This can also be true of other sexual acts via demisexuality, but this specifically gets singled out for me. Happy Hanukkah!12_23_24
There has been a lot. So much. Mom got Judith a xmas gift, and Judith's family is taking us and her brothers and two cousins to Bend for some of Hanukkah.11_23_24
Started work on Thursday and i'm already getting tired. Part time is gonna suck financially but from an energy standpoint? It kinda fucks. I work 8.5 hour shifts from Monday-Wednesday next week, then Friday's only 5 hours, and that's it, and i'm gonna have plenty of time to take acid with my love. Other weeks will probably have less hours, as this reaches my job's max for pt-ers.11_20_24
My hands smell like weed after cleaning my partner's pipe. Well, starting to clean. It's old and fucked and is a two day project now. Went to Seattle's only free art museum, Frye, for a meditation session. I keep getting skittish about being perceived; since there weren't a lot of people there, i was the only one they could watch in some rooms. When there were other people, i felt uncomfortable that they'd look at me anyway. The point is too be focused on art, but people are both interesting (voyuer) and vain (exhibitionist), and i'm a miserable purveyor of both camps. The meditation session was a little over half an hour and the atmosphere was awesome. I couldn't focus for shit, but sometimes i did, and i got pretty sappy about it.11_13_24
The shame-like-bile i feel with certain emotions persists persists persists persists persists persists persists persists11_5_24
Went to my partner's apt (apartment or advanced persistent threat or suitable in circumstances or tendency to do-) after turning in my ballot n accompanied them to turn in theirs. Took a bus halfwayish back and walked the rest. They'd already smoked an "election day cigarette" but we shared another before i hopped on a'nother bus to my place that she'd flagged down, as it wasn't even supposed to stop there anymore, city got rid of it... before this cigarette she fed me pasta w lamb & brussel sprouts. Looking at what black clothes i own, waiting.10_28_24
I appreciate that it's called "taking" a photograph because it always does feel like stealing10_22_24
Saw POiSON GiRL FRiEND last night and they were lovely. Spent money i barely have on a t-shirt, dropped it by accident while walking thru downtown on call w Judith because my hands got really cold and i forgot to pay attention to them and they let go of the shirt, walked the route i took back and found it hanging on a railing! Someone had put it there! It was really nice and i said a vulgar thank you aloud which i was promptly warned against doing downtown around 10:45pm unless i was willing to follow up. Observed a young man recording Noriko Sekiguchi's shadow in the projected b&w b-roll as she sang rather than her, found that interesting. There were a lot of stylish people there. Saw someone who got a TRANSSEXUAL patch i have, same creator who runs around Seattle and Olympia, but got stupid nervous as i talked to them and turned tail to all but run out of the venue. I also sprinted there through unusually heavy rain and was soaked well before the show started. Lots of embarrassing things. Time spent in the world...10_11_24
Been on high nerves forever, but i think moving out here may have helped me not be resistant to anti depressants so i think once i get health care and another job i should try again. Spent the past few hours cleaning my room and our kitchen, swept the dining room and a bathroom. I wonder what my "own rhythms" are. Tired. Went to another play party last weekend and it was fine. There's one next weekend i want to go to but i might be done for the month, we'll see.10_1_24
Went to a play party for the first time on Saturday. It was fascinating and decently easy to talk to people. I had to reckon with for the nth time that, man, i really am demisexual. I was surrounded by people i found attractive doing attractive things but even after a total of five social hours, more specifically talking for an hour and a half with this one fem in their 30s and then another fortyish minutes grinding together i felt nothing, no horniness, no sign of a libido anywhere except for like three twitches that lasted no longer than half a second. I know i'm demisexual because this can happen and then my partner can make a mildly horny joke and i'm wet before the hat even hits the ground. Is this too much information? Likely. Am i bothered? No, this is sexual exploration and explanation. But, come on! I felt great and hot and energized at the party and all, but afterwards the disappointment of my own sexual process hit. Whatever. It was my first time anyway, so pretty much everything was analysis, even/especially when i played with that person for a little. God, i was so distracted. They said they could tell but thought of when i was "in" as a soothing cup of green tea. Told my partner this and they said they could see that.9_16_24
Day was low until i sat on couch in sunlight with roommate's cat. Refreshed and feeling loved9_15_24
I need to be by moving water more often. I think it contributed to a sensitivity in me today that i don't really appreciate, but being there was good. I followed Judith through Magnuson and watched her squawk at and rip out huge scotch brooms, her sworn enemy. Applied to two jobs today. Waited til she left to light a tobacco and leather candle. There's a lake closer to me than Magnuson, i think i'll walk there more often..."I have stolen a memory by recording light"
9_10_24
Supervisor lured a gaggle of us out of our break hall for a union rally. It affirmed my desire to get a full-time job at the university- did you know there's at least three unions running around campus? I still can't afford to attend and don't have enough ducks in a row to apply, but i'm trying to fix that soon. Work until then. I chanted and watched awed as a stone-faced student journalist walked around with a dlsr and a notepad. Most of the time we couldn't hear what the presenters were saying... Odessa, a young woman and student i met when i first joined as a housekeeper, has a gnarly yell though. Genuinely something between a bark, growl, the perfect "YEAH!" you could possibly imagine for something heated. We're two of the only housekeepers left under 30, everyone else left early to get a break before school starts. Only once we entered the admin building did i feel true tension. The supervisor in question wondered aloud how getting caught (a few times, different rallies) on camera chanting at these could effect her career, but realistically i think she knows the effect here is virtually none, as that concern certainly didn't dampen her energy. Part of the reason she brought me out is because the unions needed bodies in the red square (yup) and what do i as a housekeeper have to lose? My job ends on the 27th no matter what, after all.Some people started leaving once union members made it upstairs to talk to said admin. Odessa and i snuck up half a flight and tried to listen in, it didn't really work. We stood there and waited it out. The student journalist was very comfortable squeezing themself up against others. I know i made it into some of their shots, and looking back i took a photo of the crowd and they're staring dead into my phone's little lens. They had a cool haircut and were utterly unreadable to me so needless to say i'd love to make their acquaintance. Another guy who got the memo that's where an open window and fresh air was gave us stickers. I may have dinner with my partner tonight.
9_1_24
Next door neighbors are moving in, i didn't know the prior tenants. Cream (roommate's cat) kneaded and purred on my bed for a while this morning. Been tuning in to KNKX for days now. I work on labor day, i need the money8_27_24
Well. life is beautiful and that doesn't change even when i'm anxious7_21_24
Been remembering things, getting knowledge and motivation back.6_22_24
Last night she said "this whole meet-cute shit doesn't jive with my world view" and we laughed real well and she's quoted it a couple times since. Apt apt apt5_31_24
I think my landlord has arrived to care for her raspberry bush. I want to shed everything, and what i can't shed i want to carve out; i would say with grace but i know it'd be violent. I can be stronger than this, and i'm trying to get there. I've already noticed myself looking for ways to run. I have a path i want, so badly, but it feels impossible (money, time). I'm trying to get it going anyway, in some way. I've tried before. I think i forgive myself for that.5_20_24
Had a horrible night. Now, though, trying not to fixate on that.I've been reading for a few months now about leather and bd/sm dynamics... and the desire and ache i feel for those with each sentence is disasterously overwhelming. Reading over Leathersex and hearing Joseph W. Bean reminiscence about what rituals were common absolutely guts me. They're still out there, absolutely, but i can't seem to reach any place they are. Once i turned 21 i'll probably start seeing it. It's a study i really like, now, and frequently i'm reminded by The Disappearance of Rituals by Byung Chul-Han. Consentual power dynamics i love you. "The power exchange is the entirely voluntary process by which a bottom relies on trust, first to express his will, then to relinquish it." All the trust, intimacy, forfeiture of control...
5_19_24
Tired, starting to feel nauseous over not having a job. Got some incredible clothes today, though, met with someone at cal anderson and we talked a lot about sexual/social expectations and autism and both of us miss our dogs.5_11_24
KEXP is one of the strongest stations on my radio. I'm sleepy. Hung out with three of my roommates who wanted to move furniture in, a victorian couch, a cuck chair, some plastic dresser drawers, somethings else... on the couch is catgirl miku. quite the sight. Trying very, very, very hard to not turn to dating apps to find friends. Lex is my one exception, we're keeping it that way4_27_24
I often forget i am a whole person. There is more than just paralysis4_6_24
Need to stop thinking about myself in how i relate to material things/what i own. This is difficult to do when alone3_24_24
"What got you here won't get you there"3_17_24
I can't stand writing when i haven't had time to read anything. That's how you get to write anything worth writing, especially anything as difficult as poetry3_17_24
On Tuesday, March 12, my parents suddenly decided within 24 hours that they're gonna move a little out of town... at the exact same time i'm moving. Mom's always running away from something, evident best by the fact that before age 18 i'd lived in 11 homes with her and by 19 that number was up to 13. Ever since we fled Texas for California, then California for Florida, she's moved every 2-3.5 years. I am washing my hands of it.I'm sitting outside to keep Sonny from barking at a stranger. I can hear our neighbors (also moving) splashing in the pool. I heard two birds in some beautiful unique song i hadn't heard before. Their voices are gone and it's back to the typical quips and squawks. One of them sounds like a tiny hawk imitation. I can hear water dripping from a fountain. Working on doing this week's m.a. prompt, and found a poem type i may want to try out for a prompt i missed. I'm reading up on diapause and now i need to read up on poetry.
3_8_24
Turned twenty yesterday... grateful i'm not a teenager anymore. I've been having a hard time keeping up with anything outside of work. Work's not interesting, i'm just far too tired, maybe3_2_24
Got a neat sweater, started a push-up routine, Wednesday's the day between my grandpa and i's birthdays (March 5; March 7), so we're having dinner together. It's terrible how i can't hear my voice when i speak, hear how it's changed, but at least i can hear it in audio playback. Been struggling to write for m.a. because i keep coming to memories that i can't elaborate on because they can truly be a sentence, and the literary devices of those real times can be seen immediately, unique syntax outside of plain text often inhibiting the meaning... comparisons end2_25_24
Sweet dog video2_21_24
My serious transition timeline is t2b, twink to butch. Insane2_11_24
Often when i find pictures of my bookcase i feel ashamed by how many spines (overwhelming majority) are uncracked. It's like John Beger said, talking about advertisements: "Its promise is not of pleasure, but of happiness: happines as judged from the outside by others." "Being envied is a solitary form of reassurance." "You are observed with interest by you do not observe with interest-" (that particularly reminds me of Donald Brook's Why I Fucking Hate Weblogs) "-if you do, you will become less enviable. In this respect the envied are like bureaucrats; the more impersonal they are, the greater the illusion (for themselves or for others) of their power." "The spectator-buyer is meant to envy herself as she will become if she buys the product."; this is all to say i promise myself something better and freer where i read, engage, learn, but that's for someone else, the Will of the future. Allen of the future. Every day i'm out or off from work i'm too exhausted to focus. If i'm not too exhausted, i'm too scared, somehow. My brain's on the fritz. This did not improve with medication- some less chemical block must be there. I don't know what it is but i want to carve it out. Why am i so scared of reading? My strongest guess is it lends to too much emotion, or that "it takes too much time." I know the time will pass anyway. It will pass whether i sleep, scroll, panic, or finally read. What is my problem here2_4_24
Went through my stuff earlier this afternoon and set up about three suitcases and a trash bag of things to donate. I've still got three months till i leave. I keep sleeping earlier and earlier to make time fly faster... it doesn't feel very wise or good, though. I'm glad it's been relatively easy to decide what items to get rid of, but books are definitely gonna give me problems. Clothes may pose some issues, but not many. I know exactly which blankets and single pillow i'm bringing, so those are fine. Newspapers might be an issue. I have.... a lot... a sizeable mound.1_30_24
A large part of me wishes i could stick to the south. A large part of me remembers the united states looks more like the south everywhere than in its cities. A large part of me remembers that i just need to stay offline... thinking about that article and the book it's from. Thinking that ... i need to figure out how to integrate more time off screens and time off fear. Most damaging is my sense of time is warped- everything is flying by and my locus of control doesn't extend to it. I'm weak and scared in the realm of attention and thought and devotion. I want to be devout1_11_24
Personals on a goth site for young adults and teens. interesting piece of modern history. so much....1_6_24
Another night of turmoil. I feel so crass writing about it. i once talked to a theology phd student about this, but longer, more scared and apologetic, and she wrote something i'll never forget: "you are carrying so much, and worse, you know the exact weight of it all, and worse than that, you care how you look carrying it."1_6_24
I think i'd really like a phalloplasty... if i get married i think it'd be in my 30s or 40s, and i think after that i'd really try to arrange one. I'm not interested in the erection implant but that could change in a decade1_1_24
Who knows12_18_23
Hmm. internet identities are.....................12_14_23
Spent hours combing forums in the wayback machine... wound up on so many cool sites i don't even know where to start... i spent a while copying and pasting and translating the diaries of a Japanese uni student in 2007. she was in a relationship with another young woman but they struggled a lot to build a life together before deciding it probably wasn't gonna work, that their lives would always be parallel to each other and never intersect. i read what i found out loud to devon over facetime while she played league. took sonny for two maybe three walks tonight? three i think it is. she's restless but i'm not really playful... i found an anti-capitalist tintin comic, found a shit ton of anarchist sites, found a major strike in honor of indepdent radio which touched my soul. independent radio means a lot, a lot, a lot to me. so much, man...Finding all those anarchist sites, forums, news outlets, the lot- it was so experimental. it was beautiful and ripe and raw and expressive and communal. there were so, so, so many websites. most of them shut down after 2014. man. i can't think about that too much. it feels like a severe, brutal injustice. confined to a few social media sites and everyone's gotta be pure an fully identified and whatever. man.
12_9_23
12_4_23
December......... unnerving. Next month is January next month is 2024 and even though i've never felt attached to new years this one feels insanely important. January i begin my mad dash out of florida. Real, actual progress, not just waiting for appointments. January 17 hosts an appointment i can't miss. It'll set everything else up.I have no intention of coming back for family holidays for at least two years. I can't wait for the weather and constant jacket wear. I can't wait for my pace in community college. I can't wait to join writing groups and roll my eyes and maybe stare awed 1/10 open mic nights. I'm gonna struggle a lot, i know. I prefer struggling there to here. Pick a struggle and pick a place. I need to find a local place to work at... i don't mind my current job but i'd rather not continue. I want to get back to my roots and work for a bookstore or sex shop or something.
11_4_23
November.... loathe being too restless and anxious and neurotic to do anything. reading is a chore. it's my livelihood (philosophically i guess) and i can't do it.10_17_23
I hate sharktank10_12_23
Dunno what to do with myself. busy brain and rigid hands.10_10_23
I love all of you and your entryways and means and histories10_06_23
I went through my phone's notes app earlier this evening... man, what bullshit. one fall after another. shit was crazy. insane. i've been exploring web forums and while looking for ones on Springsteen i found an extreme alt-right website where they were all getting on his ass for being 'nothing special, so perfect for NJ' and looking faggy and like he was pissing on the american flag in his Born in the U.S.A. album cover. insane to me how those guys actually get Springsteen better than the average american does. they accurately quoted his lyrics and their meanings, even knew about how much he loved and kissed Clarence Clemons, too. i wanted to kill them. i got violent after reading a few of their post signatures and had to dip. each user covered 1-4 nazi-specific bases in their signatures. "if you're raised with an angry man in your house,there will always be an angry man in your house,"
and naturally i want to gut them out with their own hunting knives. i'll never forgive the shop owner who sold me a red camera with pictures of his cock on the internal drive. i bought a knife from him too, dull, military, special forces no less. fancy. i'll carve it off.
but of course i'm pretty meek. that'd never happen. i'm better off with a hammer and a good dog
8_17_23
I think what i ought to do is take time to read and digest. but after work, at home, i'm so exhausted and i can't focus on anything. i have so much energy and desire pent up in me to do this or that but i can't muster or use any of it. i wanna make this page, i wanna read this, i wanna do this, and i can't do anything but sit and stare, lay and sleep, or stare at the addictive rectangle i got a semi-transparent navy-blue case for that i love so, so much.6_18_23
Been using a physical journal6_7_23
Back in the southeast and trying to overcome fear & paralysis6_4_23
Been having a lot of breakdowns but right now i'm in central texas again. saw a lot of cool striped rocks2_19_23
Had a number of detailed dreams about being hunted, 2/3 times by something much larger than anybody, once by one being. lots of drama in the brain. soon i will be starting emdr, and honestly that can't be soon enough2_7_23
Went to see Springsteen at Amway on the fifth, and it was amazing. he opened with No Surrender and i belted the whole thing. i'm never, ever gonna forget how he said "This is the most important part" into the mic before the screens lit up with images of Clarence Clemons. the new sax player, Jake Clemons, fucking rocks.1_26_23
Hello... wrote more poems and i'm trying to keep this diary vague. barely keeping up with schoolwork or myself; i need to do laundry, schoolwork, get a job, exercise, and stop feeling like death itself1_25_23
Clouds are rolling in and there's a falcon outside. i'm in a museum surrounded by art and i'm staring at the falcon outside.1_21_23
Been getting worse... but one of my professors wants to talk to me about trees, and i'm writing poetry again.1_14_23_
Finally got scott's weed out of my clothes. mom brought me over to her bi-yearly zoom call with her friends from high school. they all spoke over each other.