My personal webpage for personal occurances

Agender, he/him, demisexual, low libido

In reading Jeff Vandermeer's Authority and Acceptance of The Southern Reach Trilogy, i realized i have disassociated for so long, so intensely, i've become another person. Ghost Bird, a copy of the biologist, is aware of vague personality markers, traits, hobbies, memories, and she knows she is a copy- she has no interest in replicating the biologist, and pursues, somewhat, herself (as tied to Area X). This isn't a shell, this is a whole being who can't remember, who doesn't really recognize the who they came from.

I wish things, structurally, were much different. The foundation of where i live is the foundation of myself, and i can't run from it. Instead: i pick my clothes off the floor, somtimes, do laundry, sometimes- have sex, eat pasta, pass out on dildos, listen to very few songs at a time, forget, read bits, browse. Always browsing. Always expecting to be observed. Always expecting to have the panopticon turned on me, and inside that tower stands you.

I think more realism is needed, but as always everything online is curated- this is no different. I'm showing you what i want to show you, and i am not immune to caring about aesthetics. I know i'm being watched, and worse, i care about that. I'm a horrible exhibitionist, yet i can't escape it. Everything i do i do knowing i may be watched, and the effect online has been moving from account to account to account to account to account, hoping to lessen the eyes.